Building a Better Bloke

The straw test: How much do you like her?

Posted in Dating, Philosophy, Relationships, Women by Sam de Brito on November 25, 2009

By Sam de Brito

I was at the pub some years ago and it was mobbed, five deep at the bar.

I bought drinks; a couple of beers for my mate Jack and me and vodkas for the women. I paid for the hooch, got the drinks in the tight-four position and burrowed into the crowd.

Half way back to our spot, I looked at the voddies and thought ‘Hmmm, forgotten the straws.’ That’s when I asked myself: ‘How much do you like this chick? Is it really worth going back for the straw?’

Now, a lot of you might say this has nothing to do with attraction, that it is gentlemanly to fetch a woman a straw. Me, I think it’s gentlemanly to buy drink after drink for a girl and, last time I checked, even toddlers could successfully sip out of just a glass …

Tests are great, especially on dates. They give you an objective guide to your feelings about a stranger and they also allow you to size up their character.

If you’ve ever seen the Robert de Niro film, A Bronx Tale, you may remember the date test that Sonny, played by Chazz Palminteri teaches young Calogero, played by Lillo Brancato (who in an unfortunate case of life imitiating art was charged last year with second-degree murder for his role in a burglary in the Bronx).

SONNY: Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn’t reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her.

CALOGERO: Just like that?

SONNY: Listen to me, kid. If she doesn’t reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she’s a selfish broad and all you’re seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.

I’m not as cut-throat as Sonny but I do have my tests. Among my never-fails are:

Do I Pick Her Up Test?: If the answer is ‘Nah, I’ll just meet her there’ you’re not off to a great start.

Waiter Test: A woman can be sweet as Delta Goodrem, but if she’s rude to the waiter/waitress you know she’s got something going on you want no part of.

Shout Test: Does the woman offer to buy a drink at any stage of the night? An incredibly accurate indicator of what she expects cash-wise from a bloke. If she only shouts every fourth drink, rest assured you’ll be paying for three out of four dinners in two year’s time when you’ve moved in together.

JBT Test: You might as well get this out of the way real early. Does she like the John Butler Trio, Wolfmother, or George or Something for Kate? Yes to any of them, I know we’re not having children together.

Cab Driver Test: A close relative of the Waiter Test. A lot of cabbies tend to be minorities, so the way she treats the driver gives you a pretty good bead on her racial tolerance.

Wet Hair Test: When you go to the beach for a swim (also known as The Rig Test) does she squeal while ottering above the waves saying ‘I can’t get get my hair wet!’ Princess alert.

Ex-boyfriend Test: If she’s bitter and twisted about her exes, there’s probably a reason. And let’s just say she’s the common element in all the relationships.

Salad and Mineral Water Test: If she starts with a statement like: “I’m actually not that hungry” or “I don’t know what I feel like,” brace yourself: If all she eats at dinner is vegetables and bubbles, you know the chances of her clicking with your mates are skinnier than she is.

Girlfriend Test: Run for the hills if she makes the following comment: “I much prefer the company of men. I don’t generally get on with women.” Women with no girlfriends are to be avoided. Aside from the obvious clinginess danger, what sort of person can’t get on with 50 percent of the population? Got problems.

So there’s some subtle ways to objectively gauge the nature of a female. Ignore the tests, you generally pay the consequences. Then again, almost every test gets thrown out the door if the girl is smoking hot. I’ll even cop Wolfmother in the car.

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16 Responses

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  1. Mike said, on November 25, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    The ‘what type of car she drives’ is an alright test. Probably more affective when you reverse the roles but it still works none the less.

    • Mags said, on November 26, 2009 at 8:39 am

      I’m intrigued – what type of car ‘should’ I be driving?? πŸ˜‰

      • Mike said, on November 26, 2009 at 1:05 pm

        At my age, 19…

        If she’s driving around in a new Swift, there’s a sure bet that she’s either spoilt or has poor money management or both. And I guess it comes down to being comfortable with one’s self, by this I mean, it’s just like the little penis syndrome… guys driving around the block in their sports cars and revving their engine – the need for attention (ie. not comfortable with one’s self).

        I tend to find those who don’t care about what car their in more grounded, open to life and have more life experiences. These cars are normally shit boxes, relative to age.

        I’m not saying people can’t own cool cars, hell, i hope to own a Audi RS4 one day, but it has to do with relativity as well.

  2. Ash Simmonds said, on November 26, 2009 at 1:51 am

    Out of all the others I really remember the Chazz Palmentari test – and even though I de-test tests I still think of that one EVERY TIME when I get in a car with someone – only 2 hours ago it happened in fact (I was the one reaching for “the button”) – and frankly I would have felt rude had I not popped it for her despite her coming to open the pax door for me to get in first (no central locking!), but it wouldn’t have been a dealbreaker even if it was a date. I get the whole thing of it being “a chick who thinks she’s entitled”, or “she doesn’t think of you” – but it still doesn’t wash.

    In the end there’s very few “tests” that are dealbreakers – I think the folks who need to use tests are fishing in too big a pond and should have some better filtering systems before they even get to the part of wondering if they’re worth dating. After a while of dating you get to know when you’re “being tested” so sometimes it’s good to have fun with it.

    I remember an article from… heck – early 90’s, late 80’s? Anyhoo – it was about a first date where a chick turned up to a dude’s place to head out and the cab was waiting out front – she said go hold the cab she just needed to “freshen up” in his apartment. She just stood there for nearly 10 minutes looking out the window and watching to see what he did (no mobile phones to tweet or email then), and later he said he thought maybe she was taking a dump OR testing him… (long time ago since I read it so lots of details missed or erroneously reported)

    BTW – not one of the women I’ve fallen for would have passed any “test” I can fathom I would have come up with prior to falling for them.

    My test nowadays…? Can they genuinely laugh at themselves and not be offended at random stuff, and just have a good time without a steaming agenda against past conflicts and idiocy – give me some chuckles too would be good also.

    It’s a start. And often an end. Oh well.

    • sceptic said, on November 26, 2009 at 11:45 am

      I think the ‘ability to laugh at yourself’ is a great test.
      Also, the ‘banter test’ (i.e. can they take good natured heckle or deal it back in a good natured way) is great as well. If they pass those it means you can have a relationship with that person as you’ll always be able to sustain conversation

      • Ash Simmonds said, on November 26, 2009 at 11:19 pm


        Too many folk hold themselves in a fragile high-regard – we’re all just bags of meat with an input/output of wind and energy, and all end up decaying much the same.

        “Real” conversation, “real” original thoughts… these are the things I crave in a significant other.

        Of course a “real” good rig doesn’t hurt.

  3. Eric um-Bist said, on November 26, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    The ‘Do I Pick Her Up Test’ sounds quite old-fashioned. Didn’t you mention in a recent blog that you don’t have a car? In city with a regular supply of cheap taxis (except on Friday nights) is not having a car a problem?

  4. Sam de Brito said, on November 26, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    I just bought my first new car. A Mazda 3. My conversion to expectant father is almost complete.

    • bambi said, on November 26, 2009 at 3:58 pm

      Bambi choking…but, but…. launching into “Hey-hey-hey-heyy-hey Hey, what about me?”

  5. MC said, on November 27, 2009 at 8:10 am

    Your JBT test sucks. I mean I hate Wolfmother too but John Butler? I would much rather have a conversation with a guy that listens to JBT than some crap DJ who’s just ripping off somebody elses music. To me its an alert if a guy likes dance music – red flag he’s not orginial and has no substance!

    I think one test which is a huge one is the question test. How many questions do they ask you on the date. If they sit there and talk to you about themselves all night and how many questions do they ask you. What drink do you want is not a question.

  6. Phil T said, on November 27, 2009 at 11:02 am

    Hey Sam, Congratulations on the new Mazda . . . and the forthcoming rug rat.

  7. Sam de Brito said, on November 27, 2009 at 11:39 am

    I so wanted to get one of those Golf GTIs but I just couldn’t rationalise the extra 25K to get from A to B with a C on the way.

  8. StevoTheDevo said, on December 3, 2009 at 10:08 am

    I love the car lock test…
    Used it all the time for guys as well as girls, I was just less disappointed when it was a guy. πŸ™‚

    Unfortunately, central locking kills it of course.. just as well I had “old” cars until I turned 30!

  9. Pauline said, on December 7, 2009 at 11:54 am

    With most cars coming along with central AND remote locking… i’m not sure how the car lock test would work.

    But I have to say that I agree with the waiter and taxi driver tests.

  10. Simpleton said, on December 9, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    I am not quite sure about the JBT test. I am not a fan of them myself, but not really sure what it is such a deal breaker?

  11. Cheezy said, on January 7, 2010 at 4:30 pm

    … because the _only_ thing JBT has going for them is that they are trendy. Not hot, not awesome musicians – people who like them are just brainless sheep.

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