Building a Better Bloke

Can I stay faithful to one woman forever?

Posted in Cheating, Philosophy, Relationships, Women by Sam de Brito on November 5, 2009

By Sam de Brito

Is it possible for the average male, short of chemical castration, to keep his spanner in his strides for the duration?

The short answer, I believe is yes. The longer answer: how?

The only blokes who really qualify to answer this question are either dead or very close to it.

All the guys I know who answer “yes” or “without a doubt” are in their 20’s, 30’s or 40’s. That’s the relationship equivalent of cocky adventure tourists doing karate kicks to warm up in Everest base camp. You just know some cabanossi-skinned Sherpa’s gonna be picking up the guy’s toes on the walk back down the mountain …

I could bore you with all the theories you’ve already heard at the pub; about monogamy being an unnatural state, that we’re meant to spread our seed and, the cultures where mistresses are accepted, but it would just be rationalising behaviour I don’t agree with.

Sadly, I’ve lost my grand-parents, so short of a trip to Sleepy Willow Retirement Village, where else do you go to satisfy this query?

Sniffing around

There’s tonnes of stuff on the web about how to stay faithful to your partner, like the simpering of this clown, who writes for the website

“Maintain a journal, write your positive memories and experiences on a regular basis. Every so often, spend a quiet evening at home and read the journal together,” he says.

I have a pact with my brother that if I ever need an exercise book full of scribble to keep me on the nest, he is to visit me at midnight with an iron bar and finish me off.

Still, the bloke did go on 77 blind dates before he met his missus, so what do you expect?

Again, I returned to the worldwide web for guidance, Googling the phrase “how to stop cheating” and found an article that may well change all our lives.

It broke down the reasons why people cheat, then outlined a series of simple solutions to overcome them.

The problem? It was about how to stop toddlers pulling a fast one when playing Patty Cake. Weirdly, it mirrored many of issues men face staying faithful.

“Most two to four-year-olds don’t think much about cheating — they’re after a good time, period.”

You and me both, kid.

“When they do cheat, it’s probably because they legitimately don’t understand the rules…”

Can someone explain them to me again, please?

“…someone they’re playing with is overly focused on winning…”

I hope my exes are reading this.

“…they’re still learning how to separate reality from fantasy…”

Spooky, eh?

The solutions to the problem were equally enlightening, my favourite being…

“Play cooperative games. A fun one for a group is Hug Tag, where no one is ever “out” as long as he’s hugging another player.”

Rooting around

I don’t know about you, but at the root of pretty much every one of my failed relationships has been the question — can I stay faithful to this girl forever? When the mocking answer rises “as if” from the depths of my soul, things go downhill.

My reasoning used to be, I have to find someone to whom I’m so ridiculously attracted that nature will just take care of the whole fidelity thing.

However, after having this conversation with myself more times than was probably healthy, I realised something; there will never be a perfect women (or partner). There will always be someone brighter, tighter, younger, hotter or just different to turn your head.

I know of a bloke, who I’ll call Captain Israel. He’s a Talmudic scholar who was a virgin when he married and has been with the same woman ever since. When asked how does he not become aroused by other women? his answer is simple.

“I don’t look.”

Now that may be a bit drastic but it does reduce the problem to its’ fundamentals.

We can crap on as long as we like about polygamy being “natural” and “a product of evolution”, but in the end so is spearing your neighbour, pissing in the street and eating bison for breakfast.

It’s not that every bloke doesn’t want to sleep with other women, it’s just that some choose not to.


16 Responses

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  1. Jim said, on November 6, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    Great post Sam – very thought provoking.

    I think if you did make a visit to Sleepy Willow Retirement Village to gum the fat with a few octogenarian couples about how they’ve managed to stick it out together for 60+ years the answers they’d give would 1) reflect a completely alien culture to the one we are now in, and 2) not be the answers most blokes would really want to hear.

    They would say that they married young, married as virgins, and quite likely only ever ‘courted’ or were ‘courted by’ one of two people.

    They would tell you that their sexual experience together (without the need to constantly compare or reference themselves to anyone else) was as good as it could get and that they were very satisfied- although they’d be unlikely to talk too much about it because they’d say that that was their business and noone elses.

    They might say that their spouse at 20, at 30… at 60 or 80 years old was their standard of beauty.

    They might also say that when things got tough in their relationship that they stuck at it and worked through it together, and that leaving the relationship was never an option. That when they got married – that was the day they each ‘closed the back door’.

    I figure there aren’t many blokes who’d want to consider that recipe for success today.

    Maybe, just maybe, our baby boomer parents got it completely wrong and our ‘builder’ grandparent were right all along.

    • Maria said, on December 1, 2009 at 6:27 pm

      I don’t think that generation was perfect – while many of those couples may have stayed together due to social expectations (or because the woman had no way to support herself and leave a cheating man), it doesn’t necessarily mean they were faithful.

      All my grandparents were still together – I didn’t find out until I was an adult and he was dead, that one of my grandfathers was unfaithful during the war. The other one I don’t think was unfaithful but also as an adult found out he had been physically abusive to my grandmother when drinking. Needless to say these things shocked me tremendously.

      I doubt that both sides of my family are that unusual, I bet there are many other 80 year old married couples in the same situation. Don’t idealise that generation.

  2. Duke Burton said, on November 6, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    What about if you are single, but she has a long term BF, Fiancee or husband with two kids? What degree of culpability is involved for the single person getting it orrrn with a hooked up chick?

    I seem to find myself in that position very often and i’m not sure how guilty i should feel? as my mates say : if you dont do it, some other devo will.

    • Slim Jim said, on November 6, 2009 at 12:32 pm

      It’s bad Karma so it should be left to “some other devo”

    • Married said, on November 8, 2009 at 6:12 pm

      Being a single devo and thinking should I or should’nt I do it with a married women ?
      Just remember that if hubby finds out you might get lock-stock-and both barrels.

  3. (required) said, on November 7, 2009 at 7:54 am

    Excellent post, Jim. We can glean a lot of wisdom from the experience of our elders.
    I liked your analogy of closing the back door the day they got married.

  4. sniff :( said, on November 9, 2009 at 8:11 am

    I watched the movie “UP” this past weekend. I think we all want what Ellie&Carl, had. Their marriage montage says it all. It wouldn’t be hard to be faithful having a friendship like that.

  5. Delaney said, on November 9, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    I think the important point here is this: “there will never be a perfect women (or partner). There will always be someone brighter, tighter, younger, hotter or just different to turn your head.”

    Sam’s exactly right about that. Nobody is perfect.

    And his conclusion?

    “Some choose not to” cheat on their partner.

    It’s really that simple. As I was saying to a couple I know recently – and I said it to both of them separately: nobody is perfect. If you have someone who is 90% of perfect for you, you’re doing a lot better than a lot of people. Keep that in mind next time your partner is doing something that bothers you.

  6. KISS said, on November 9, 2009 at 8:32 pm

    Am I missing something, or does it not take specific actions to have sex with someone? Therefore all you have to doto remain faithful is just never ever take off your undies with anyone else except your spouse? Better yet, try to view women as human beings who don’t exist from the waist down (like the way I view 99% of men).

    Ok, childish answers aside, surely the best way to not be tempted is to exert some self control over your imagination as all sex starts in the head. It it starts elsewhere, but your head is faithful, you can admonish your lower baser self and remind yourself of the reason you got together with your partner in the first place, and remind yourself that that you are an evolved prinicpled human being who is true to his word. You are not only a sexual human being, you are a moral and ethical human being.

    Of course if the relationship has run its course and the spark has died, then issues need to be discussed and the relationship put back on track or ended ethically.

    But really, why do guys complicate things so much? Its black and white. (no, really.) Either you respect your partner and you do the right thing by her, or you don’t, and you act like a child who is the centre of the universe.

    Sheesh people, I cannot believe the problem some people have with simple ethics!!!

    • International said, on December 4, 2009 at 5:00 pm

      As a male I can’t disagree more. There is just the inbuilt urge to act on an attraction, that most of the time we’re trying to fight. Particularly under the influence of alcohol or something else.

      A lot of females just don’t understand why guys do it. But that’s the point, I just don’t think it’s built into females to spread the seed as much as it is with guys.

    • Confused said, on August 24, 2010 at 3:15 pm

      Good one kiss. This one seems to be the best response to this post to me so far.

      Most of the times when I look at couples, especially married ones, I think, “look how bored they look…” Maybe it’s just a problem for me, I don’t follow the crowd on any given subject. I always consider the flip side of the coin. My curiousity is what landed me on this website to begin with.

      Truth though is, proven by studies of men and women of all walks of life, majority of men are different from the equivalent majority of women. Men are more visual, and women, everything else (emphasis mine).

      I think we all need to find that personal and positive reason why we are or are going to be in a long-term relationship, especially, marriage. And please, love really has got not much to do with it because it is just not enough. Many people have been mis-orientated (if that’s a word), most of the problems coming from the society and it’s demands. You have to find your own reason not what “they” tell you. If this (or these) reasons are genuine, and resonable enough (to you; let your partner find his or hers also), and you mutually share part of it with your partner (make sure they share the reasons), you will always look back on them each time you are faced with temptations.

  7. Tubesteak said, on November 10, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    Another way to look at it is if you realise that one woman for the rest of your life won’t be able to keep you satisfied then don’t go for relationships (or at least long term ones)

    • KISS said, on November 10, 2009 at 9:20 pm

      Yes, by all means do this but pls for godsake be honest with the girl you’re dating!!!!

  8. Phantom said, on November 15, 2009 at 8:43 am

    My view on the matter is straight out of the bible (I am a lapsed Catholic) Luke 6:31, Do to others as you would have them do to you.

    In practical terms if you’re willing to be cheated on, ie. be happy in the knowledge that your partner is brushing her teeth with another man’s penis (keep that image in mind next time you begin to cheat), then by all means go ahead. However chances are if you’re willing to consent to such an act, you’re not that keen on making the relationship work, and you’re just lying to yourself and to her.

  9. IndMike said, on November 19, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    Single Man : Playboy has decided to come out with a special married men versions.

    Married man : What’s different?

    Single Man : oh, its got same pictures every month.. 🙂

  10. Marg Luncsford said, on February 28, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    This idea has reached a amazing new level courtesy of on-line blog-post services that you can take on the road. Since most commuters spend more time online, blogs help them kick their research into overdrive.

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