Building a Better Bloke

Where do we stand with the one night stand?

Posted in Relationships, Women by Sam de Brito on November 3, 2009

By Sam de Brito

A buddy of mine I’ll call Jack, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Chesty Bond, was set up with a girl some years ago.

The night went splendidly. The girl, Penny, approved of Jack and certainly seemed up for a, ahh, deepening of intimacies back at his place.

Jack? Well, he’s an old-fashioned type when sober, and was hoping for lightening bolts. By 1am, when he’d felt no electricity, he decided to err on the side of gallantry and go home alone …

When I spoke to him the next day his reasons were simple.

“Penny seemed like a good stick* but it wasn’t going to be love on my part,” he said.

“I didn’t want to turn around in the morning and do the ‘I’ll phone you routine’ and be called a dickhead when I didn’t follow up.”

Which seemed like the honorable thing to do until I spoke to the female friend who’d set up the liaison.

“What’s wrong with your mate, is he a poof?” she said.

When I explained Jack wasn’t looking for something long-term with Penny and thought a one night roll around might lower his reputation in all concerned eyes, she said: “What makes you think Penny wasn’t just up for a roll around?”

A fair question, but it also illustrates the difficulties a generation of young men are facing out there in the trenches.

It’s not the first time this has happened to Jack.

Earlier this year he denied another admirer a jersey*, despite her enthusiasm. He saw her out again recently and she introduced him to her gay, male friend.

Soon after, Jack ran into this same bloke on the street, so he e-mailed the girl to say what a nice guy her buddy was.

The spurned woman shot back with: “Yes, he’s e-mailed me already! He beat you to it! I think he thinks you’re a nice bloke too! Oh – maybe you two should get together then! He may be the perfect match for you!”

Aside from the gratuitous use of exclamation marks, what’s wrong with this paragraph?

I’ll tell you: You’re damned if you do and you’re gay if you don’t.

*A good stick: means a good type, a knockabout, straight up and down.

*A jersey: the opportunity for sexual congress.

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10 Responses

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  1. Stuart said, on November 4, 2009 at 8:36 am

    I don’t think it was yer mate Jack’s gallantry that was out of place, but his lack of communication with the young lady on the matter. He’d reached a decision and then assumed that the other party shared his opinion, without bothering to ask.

    I guess it’s like Richard said in his post, it can’t hurt to ask (nicely!)

  2. Sam de Brito said, on November 4, 2009 at 11:01 am

    How do you say “I don’t want to fuck you” without coming off as presumptuous?

  3. santorinihippie13 said, on November 4, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    I actually appreciate his gallantry. There are too many men out there who just want to take advantage of women drinking. It’s understandable that some women just want a roll around in the sack and that’s is, but he is smart to keep his morals high. I know it’s something I’d be looking for in a relationship.

    I’m not sure how to answer your last question about presumptuousness though…

  4. V said, on November 5, 2009 at 4:26 am

    I have to agree about communication, or as it is sometimes called, “managing expectations”. I don´t like to seem like I am leading a guy on so will often mention quite early that a one night night stand is not what I´m looking for. Although it is usually followed by the question why not, to which honesty is the best answer, it generally saves any kind of confusion or ill feeling.

    Also, better to be presumptious and honest about where you stand than to leave the other person confused or expecting something they are not going to get. Don´t be concerned about looking like a idiot, it´s all in the delivery.

  5. Stuart said, on November 5, 2009 at 8:20 am

    I don’t think it has to be as bald faced is “I don’t wanna fuck”, but if you’ve already decided that there’s no potential in it then you can be honest about that.

    Also the mutual friend has a role to play here, by setting up a date that person takes responsibility for ensuring that both parties are sufficiently ‘briefed’ regarding the other’s expectations. Presumably prior to the date Jack doesn’t know Penny from a bar of soap. As the friend said “What would make you think she isn’t up for a role around?”. Vital information that could have been shared earlier!

  6. Sarah said, on November 7, 2009 at 10:40 am

    I wouldn’t even consider dating a guy who WOULD have a one night stand. Just for another angle on this. I’m usually surprised to discover that a man is gay. Sensitive and thoughtful does not equate to gay! The most touchy feely guy I know is also very heterosexual.

  7. Tinman said, on November 16, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    It does seem that there is an assumption that the ONS is the norm these days, and some form of explanation is required if one is to demur from taking part without being considered to be either gay or a ‘God-botherer’. Strangely, there seems to be a prejudice against those who decline the ONS that is similar to that which occurs when other more universal social mores are violated. I suspect that the key to avoiding the awkwardness is all in the way one communicates, particularly how one declines the offer of a ONS. I think that if you make it clear that you are looking for something more substantial than an ONS, its prevents the other person inferring that there is something about them that you find unattractive – thus preventing them from feeling slighted or insulted by your refusal.

  8. joe said, on November 25, 2009 at 11:09 pm

    lets face it boys, damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
    so you may as well get some sex out of and be damned either way

  9. b said, on November 27, 2009 at 7:39 pm

    What a crock of shit. It’s not an insult if people think you’re gay.

    I went out with a girl, R, one time, and because I didn’t make any moves on her (there was no romantic chemistry) she always kids me now for not being into women. So what.

    She’s met some of the hot women I’ve been lucky enough to go out with, but she still makes the same jokes. It’s not a big deal. R’s a great girl and she’s a great friend.

    It must feel shit for a woman to be rejected, and the jokes are her way of being okay with it. It’s not malicious. I’m not saying it’s cool for her to act like that, I’m just saying it’s not a big deal.

  10. Pauline said, on December 7, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    Tsk tsk. Poor communication that led to mismatched expectations. Result: Disappointment.


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