Building a Better Bloke

On the slide

Posted in Relationships by Sam de Brito on November 2, 2009

Last week El Guapo gave us five signs your relationship is on the rise, this week, some indicators it could be going the other way.

ONE: When either of you express your emotions to the dog or the cat or the birds more freely and frequently than you do to each other.

There’s no more humiliating feeling than watching your partner barely acknowledge your presence when they arrive home from work, but jump on the floor and play with the pet for half an hour, telling them in a stupid voice “do you know how much your Mummy/Daddy lurvs you? What would Mummy/Daddy do if anything happened to their byootiful puppy/pussy Rover/Fido/Kitty/Fluffy”? …

TWO: Over time passion fades and you’re going to have less sex. Guaranteed, take it as gospel.

But if you stop being intimate – which can be really simple things like hugging in bed, or jamming your cold feet under your partner’s thighs on the lounge when you watch a video – then that’s not so good.

And if you’re sitting on opposite sides of the room while you watch something inane like Surprise Chef then something’s definitely up.

THREE: If you dread your partner opening their mouth when you’re out with friends or family, and you visibly start to cringe when they speak, then you’ve got trouble.

When you’re on edge around them in social situations then you’ve got to reassess.

Because it’s not going to get any better over time.

FOUR: Nitpicking can be a sign of bigger problems.

Eve: “Don’t you notice anything different about me anymore?”
Adam: “Nope.”
Eve: “My hair?”
Adam: “Yeah, it’s good.”
Eve: “Good. That’s very descriptive.”
Adam: “I didn’t realize this was an English exam.”

FIVE: Let’s face it, family and work functions can be dull affairs, but they’re a fact of life.

In the early days of a relationship when you’re trying to make a good impression you’ll happily attend, and even go so far as to work the room and be the life of the party.

But as the relationship progresses you find out he hates your aunt Maureen, but then again he’s got an Uncle Joe who you loathe.

Well, unfortunately, you’ve got to grin and bear it because they’re family – and what are you gonna do, shoot them?

So when either of you starts complaining unnecessarily – and turns attendance into a saga or just misses them altogether — then that’s really slack. And embarrassing.

You’ve stopped making an effort and it’s time to take stock.

El Guapo punts, drinks a little, and says no to cigarettes, drugs, talkback radio and fiction novels. He lives in the same Sydney suburb he was born in 40 years ago. He’s worked in the internet for 12 years, but has also written an advice column for teenage girls, been a bookie’s clerk, fishmonger and altar boy. He loves sport, TV, his wife and son, daughter and dog.

If you like his stuff, see his post on Bandwagon jumpers.


3 Responses

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  1. I must I must increase my bust. said, on November 2, 2009 at 10:23 am

    Can’t shoot ’em. You just gotta grin and beer it.

  2. KISS said, on November 10, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    I would only attend family gatherings of my partner at Christmas and birthdays, thats it. Unless I actually got along with them. But they’re HIS family! I’m not overly excited about attending my own families get togthers and I certainly wouldn’t want to put him through it if he didn’t genuinely enjoy them. Whats with couples who act like siamese twins. Have always hated the whole (I believe unnecessary) ‘couples universe’ – why can’t you be part of someones life but keep your independence as a separate human being with your own life? This whole living in each others pocket existence is not for everyone y’know…

  3. Pauline said, on December 7, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    Families… Oh god. They’re the bane of my existence.

    A shame we can’t actully shoot them.

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