Pop the boot to a man’s personality
By Craig Heal
Nowhere is a man’s lifestyle and personality so prominently on display as when you pop his car’s boot.
It’s no secret that most men consider the type of car they drive an extension of their personality, but what would surprise most speed racers is that the real soul of their motorised personality extension isn’t what’s under the hood or the size of their woofers.
It’s what lies hidden in the boot – much like a man’s true character …
The car boot displays a highly personalised collection of the most important objects a man regularly requires or believes he needs for almost any situation; be it escaping a zombie pandemic or something as prosaic as his shitbox breaking down.
Think I’m barking up the wrong tree? Scan your own car boot and consider why you need all those objects and how they support your lifestyle and enforce your personality.
To some extent, these items define you. Let’s consider some common items found in the back of boot and the stereotype that jumps to mind:
* Blanket and natty, tweed hat – RSL aficionado pensioner.
* Novelty dice, hello kitty dolls – Seriously arrested development; someone best avoided, especially when behind the wheel.
* Body – Mafia hitman.
* Professional items like a laptop, steelies, PPE – speak for themselves.
Simply put, a bare boot does not suffice and can only mean one of three things:
1. The car’s new.
2. You’ve been rolled.
3. You’re disorganised and lack personal flair to make the car your own.
This begs the question, what should be in your car?
To populate your boot with manly things, objects need to meet at least one of the following three golden criteria. All other objects are surplus and are best left in the garage:
Items must be used frequently.
Items are regularly needed at frequent destinations.
Items used in case of an emergency gear.
(I can’t stress the emergency gear enough; pack the basics you need and know how to use them. The basics of jumpstarting a car, changing flats and oil filters are core skills every bloke should master.)
This brings me to items that should not be in a man’s car.
* Porno mags – this is unbecoming. Get rid of them or at least hide them under the spare tyre.
* Heavy, hard objects – what’s with men carrying stuff in the boot that’s surplus to requirements? The weight drops fuel efficiency and the heavy objects are liable to become mobile car panel beaters when you corner at speed. Lose the clutter.
* Though not strictly in the boot, but worthy of mention, are “Baby on Board” stickers – I’ve heard a variety of explanations for why doting dads have these. The stupidest reason expressed was along the lines of “if I have an accident, the rescuers will see there’s a baby in the car and rescue them first”. Okay, I see the logic, but if the rescuer needs a sign in order to find a baby in the crumpled wreck of a car, you’ve got bigger problems.
So what’s in my car?
Most of the items in my boot are the product of trial and error and unforeseen circumstances where I swore black and blue that I wished they were in my car. They are what’s important to me and you may now cast your own judgment upon my personality and lifestyle.
* First aid kit and book, jumper, lighter, torch – I don’t like emergencies and if I’m in one, I don’t want to be for long. The first aid book is for any dummies that might feel inclined to rescue me, should I find myself covered in claret. I’m blindly confident the book will fly out and open on the correct page should this ever eventuate.
* Boardies – I’m manic about swimming and impromptu stops at the beach.
* Car tools and recovery kit – they’re worth their weight in gold and will save you a motza compared to a tow.
* The newspaper and sport equipment – for general amusement.
* Hazard lights and steel caps – I work in the infrastructure industry, nuff said.
* Hair gel – one can’t always look like they work in infrastructure.
So what unusual items do you have in your car boot that you can’t live without? and what are other items that blokes should have in their cars?