The straw test: How much do you like her?
By Sam de Brito
I was at the pub some years ago and it was mobbed, five deep at the bar.
I bought drinks; a couple of beers for my mate Jack and me and vodkas for the women. I paid for the hooch, got the drinks in the tight-four position and burrowed into the crowd.
Half way back to our spot, I looked at the voddies and thought ‘Hmmm, forgotten the straws.’ That’s when I asked myself: ‘How much do you like this chick? Is it really worth going back for the straw?’
Now, a lot of you might say this has nothing to do with attraction, that it is gentlemanly to fetch a woman a straw. Me, I think it’s gentlemanly to buy drink after drink for a girl and, last time I checked, even toddlers could successfully sip out of just a glass …
Tests are great, especially on dates. They give you an objective guide to your feelings about a stranger and they also allow you to size up their character.
If you’ve ever seen the Robert de Niro film, A Bronx Tale, you may remember the date test that Sonny, played by Chazz Palminteri teaches young Calogero, played by Lillo Brancato (who in an unfortunate case of life imitiating art was charged last year with second-degree murder for his role in a burglary in the Bronx).
SONNY: Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn’t reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her.
CALOGERO: Just like that?
SONNY: Listen to me, kid. If she doesn’t reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she’s a selfish broad and all you’re seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.
I’m not as cut-throat as Sonny but I do have my tests. Among my never-fails are:
Do I Pick Her Up Test?: If the answer is ‘Nah, I’ll just meet her there’ you’re not off to a great start.
Waiter Test: A woman can be sweet as Delta Goodrem, but if she’s rude to the waiter/waitress you know she’s got something going on you want no part of.
Shout Test: Does the woman offer to buy a drink at any stage of the night? An incredibly accurate indicator of what she expects cash-wise from a bloke. If she only shouts every fourth drink, rest assured you’ll be paying for three out of four dinners in two year’s time when you’ve moved in together.
JBT Test: You might as well get this out of the way real early. Does she like the John Butler Trio, Wolfmother, or George or Something for Kate? Yes to any of them, I know we’re not having children together.
Cab Driver Test: A close relative of the Waiter Test. A lot of cabbies tend to be minorities, so the way she treats the driver gives you a pretty good bead on her racial tolerance.
Wet Hair Test: When you go to the beach for a swim (also known as The Rig Test) does she squeal while ottering above the waves saying ‘I can’t get get my hair wet!’ Princess alert.
Ex-boyfriend Test: If she’s bitter and twisted about her exes, there’s probably a reason. And let’s just say she’s the common element in all the relationships.
Salad and Mineral Water Test: If she starts with a statement like: “I’m actually not that hungry” or “I don’t know what I feel like,” brace yourself: If all she eats at dinner is vegetables and bubbles, you know the chances of her clicking with your mates are skinnier than she is.
Girlfriend Test: Run for the hills if she makes the following comment: “I much prefer the company of men. I don’t generally get on with women.” Women with no girlfriends are to be avoided. Aside from the obvious clinginess danger, what sort of person can’t get on with 50 percent of the population? Got problems.
So there’s some subtle ways to objectively gauge the nature of a female. Ignore the tests, you generally pay the consequences. Then again, almost every test gets thrown out the door if the girl is smoking hot. I’ll even cop Wolfmother in the car.